School was easy for me (a photographic memory didn’t hurt). And I liked learning. So when The Challenging One started resisting even the tiniest amount of kindergarten homework, I tried to fix it with a battle of wills: “Oh, yes, you will do your homework!” The arguments, tears and meltdowns got worse each year, as did the grades. And because he was so oppositional in general, I didn’t give much thought to learning disabilities. With tooth brushing causing WWIII, it seemed obvious that that same oppositionality was behind his academic problems. I thought his homework resistance was just another thing he fought us on. So my approach was, “Buck up and do your work. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it.” Besides, I truly couldn’t comprehend that he didn’t “get it”. Arrogant but true. Even when he was diagnosed with ADHD, it still hadn’t dawned on me that it was a matter of “can’t” rather than “won’t”.
I wasn’t a total loser mom. I enrolled him in a highly-regarded tutoring program for kids with learning disabilities. It was a good program, but his rigidity made it fruitless. His brain insisted that school was school, tutoring was tutoring, homework was homework, and you can’t blur the lines. He couldn’t transfer his learning to the classroom. And the suggestion that he work on his math homework with his tutor brought him to tears. Even though he knew he’d be crying over his math homework when we got home, the idea of crossing that line was simply overwhelming.
So…I planned to spend the summer on reading, math and typing (because handwriting is so difficult for him that he doesn’t have any bandwidth left to think). But by the last day of school, his fragile ability to control his emotions evaporated, and he bounced between rage and tears to a degree I hadn’t seen before. By the time we enrolled him in the day treatment program, I was convinced. Convinced that I’m dealing with a child with some serious challenges, not just a bad attitude. Convinced that I’m not equipped to handle either his learning disabilities or his mood disorders without a lot of help. Convinced that this summer is “make or break” time for him. And convinced that having both oppositionality and learning disabilities stinks. So i got busy…researching his possible diagnoses, moving him to a public school so he can have an IEP, working on his emotional control, and, in general, playing catchup.
I still can’t claim that I get it…that I can empathize with how his brain processes information. And I’m still not very good at helping him with things that are obvious to me. It’s like trying to explain that water is wet. But I do believe that his challenges are real; “buck up” is not the answer. He’s a child with mood disorders and learning disabilities, and each makes the other worse. I may be late to the game, but by all that’s holy, I’m going to fight for everything he needs from here on out.
I'm a mom to three stair steps (all 3 born in under 3 years), one of whom struggles with OCD, ADHD and a few other things. I wrote professionally for 12 years before quitting to stay home with my kids.
Life on the Stair Steps 
Leave a comment